"If the Muse Had to Fill Out a Performance Self-evaluation", Boston Globe (7/26/2023)
"Download the Pre-pology™ app today", Boston Globe (4/1/2023)
"Why Was I So Full of Jokes When My Dad Died?", Washington Post Magazine (12/8/2022)
The How to Survive a Human Attack series
"How to Survive a Human Attack: Swamp Monster Makeovers" from Defenestration
"How to Survive a Human Attack: A Mummy's Decree (Papyrus Edition)" from Monkey Bicycle
"How to Be an Agreeable Long-Term Alien Guest" from Points in Case
"How to survive identity theft at Halloween: a guide for witches" for The Baltimore Sun
"Have You Been Subsumed by a Mad Scientist?" The Halloween Compendium of Terror (anthology), published by Robot Butt, 2022.
Contributions to McSweeney's
"I Was Social Distancing Before It Went Mainstream, And It's Early Stuff Was Better"
"For Those About To Rock - Have You Considered All Your Options?"
"In Memorian: Real Pants"
"Brood X or Gen X?" (with Adam Selbst)
Contributions to Weekly Humorist
"Introducing Sedition, a New Hallmark Greeting Card Line!"
"Introducing “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Better!”
"The Daily Mail: Discomfort With Our Centuries-Old Breeding Program a Sign of Poor Breeding"
"An Open Letter to my Future Self For Introducing Our Toddler to 'Whoomp, There It Is' by Tag Team"
"What You Saw Last Night Was a Natural Expression of Love Between Two People With CPAP Machines"
"We Are Flowers, and We’re Here to Melt Your Fucking Face Off"
"How to Live With an Aggressively Comfortable Couch"
“UPDATED: Health Advisories for Outer Space Visitors”
“Urgent! It’s Me, Reality. I’m Trying to Get in Touch With You”
“Zillow Listing for Ted Cruz’s Special Place in Hell”
Contributions to Slackjaw
"Tips To Prepare Yourself For The Rubber Band Man"
"The 3 Little Pig Property Brothers"
“Steely Dan Life Hacks: Tips Any Major Dude Will Tell You”
“Kohl’s Said It Was My LAST CHANCE to Save 20% -- now my family is missing”
Contributions to The Belladonna Comedy
"Will You Rate Your Recent Exchange with a Redhead?"
"MLB Legal: Ballpark Protocols for Fans Who Are Unhappy/Don’t Know It"
Contributions to Greener Pastures
"Stop Shushing Me! YOU Shush!: An Editorial Inspired by Tucker Carlson"
"Based on the Compliments People Yell When I Walk My Dog, I Am Killing It!”
Next Door poetry series
(Recipient of Honorable Mention in the 22nd Annual Wergle Flomp Humor Poetry Contest)
"List: The Unexpected Poetry of Nextdoor Digest" (Points in Case)
"The Unexpected Poetry of NextDoor Digent" (TwoFiftyOne)
“The Unexpected Poetry of NextDoor Digest” (Light Poetry Magazine)
"The Unexpected Poetry of NextDoor Digest" (The Museum of Americana)
"The Unexpected Poetry of NextDoor Digest" (The Haven)
Other Humor Items
"Quiz: Parents from Gen X or Brood X?" (Frazzled)
"New Study Suggests “Celtic Punk” Not a Thing" (The Haven)
“Quiz: Reflections on the TV Show Lost or 2020?” (Wry Times)
“Top New Year’s Picks for the Solo Celebrator from the Sharper Mirage Catalog” (Humor Darling)
"K-TEL PRESENTS The Incredible Offers Made to Women in Songs!" (Southern Humanties Review)
"Have You Found Your Perfect Soulmate–Or Your Perfect Sleep Number 360 Smart Bed?" (Little Old Lady Comedy)
“This is a Test of the LAST NERVE Emergency Alert System”(Points in Case)
"I Became a Mother When Someone Suddenly Handed Me a Baby", (Slate)
Contributions to Baltimore Fishbowl
"On the Tenure Clock: A Cautionary Tale"
"Cherry Blossoms, Labradoodles, Each Other: Is Joy a Daily Choice?"
"'Run for Your Life…' – Baltimore Writers Talk Roth’s Retirement"
"Letter to America (from Mouth-Breathing Idiot"
"Hi, Ho the Derry-O"
"Most People Are Other People"
Contributions to Baltimore Style Magazine
"Jax to the Max"
"Love, Baltimore Style"
"I Feel Funny: Humor Writing Tips for Novelists" (SFWA)
Neuropathy, Carve Magazine
On The Charlie Applebaum Stage, The Adirondack Review
El Corazón, The Barcelona Review
A Show of Force, Blackbird
An Airtight Box, Del Sol Review
Somebody for Everybody, The North American Review/Redux